I've been thinking.

I've been thinking a lot about my life. This summer it will be two years since we started trying for a baby. The Doc has given us a little pill that is supposed to make it happen. Will it work who knows.

Through the last two years I have experienced several different types of emotion,hope, rage, confusion, feelings of guilt and finally acceptance.

I know that one day my husband and I will hold our child in our arms, I know that child will be worth every negative pregnancy test that I have taken, it will be worth all of the ovulation kits I bought, and all of the crazy drugs we have been on. That child will be the answer to all of our prayers and hopes and dreams.

I have found comfort in my sweet friends who know of my struggle, how have encouraged me and make me find the humor in infertility. I have found comfort in the stories from the old testament of Rachael, Sarah and Rebekkah. I have tried to smile and nod when people tell me "just relax and it will happen." I have tried my best to be supportive when friends and family have babies even though it hurts a little. Sometimes I get so angry I want to break something, then I remember "Thine adversity shall be but a small moment.And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

I have come to accept that things do not happen on my timing but on the Lords.I don't know how long the road to our child will be. But I do know that the Lord has plans for me and my family. I know that one day hopefully soon I will look into the eyes of my child.

But until that day I will try my best to be content with the blessings that I have already been given. A husband who loves me, who is kind and supportive, a safe home, a job, foot to eat, rockin abs, a sweet puppy who I suspect might be better then some children. And the assurance that good things come to those who wait and that I have so much more than I could ever have imagined.

Like I've said, I've been thinking a lot about infertility.


Genesis30:22 And God remembered Rachel
Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me

Are you ready?

Are you ready for the rapture?

The head honchos over at family radio have decided that the end of the word is happening this Saturday, are you ready? I know that I am not.

But this leaves some very important questions to be answered, like if Kurtis and I are "raptured" what happens to Audrey? Does she come with us? Well lucky for me and Audrey a man has set up a website to address this very problem enter Eternal Earth-Bound Pets who for a fee of $ 135 will make sure my pet is well cared for after the rapture.

Now let me be honest, I don't really believe that the rapture is going to happen this Saturday, I pan on working that night and getting up the next day to go to church. But...

If it does happen I will know that my dear puppy is well taken care of, who am I kidding I'm bringing that baby with me.
p.s. This episode of Glee is making me ball

Ben and Me

(Image curtsey of google)
So its been awhile since I posted .

And this is a love letter to my boy friend so feel free to skip down to the bottom.

Dear Ben, or Benny poo, I thought that you and I had it pretty good. We had finally confronted our respective spouses and they understood about our undying love. Well your love to make music and mine to buy it and watch reruns of the sing off so I can watch you school those other two "judges". Ben why have your forsaken me why oh why do you refuse to tour in Orange County, Los Angles or heck even California. What does Virginia have that I don't? Please come see me!

Okay that its it I'm done. In other news, there really is no other news it is wicked busy at work because it is spring break. Kurtis is cranky pants because mid terms are still going on. We have been spending lots of time talking about how much we love are dog. Is that wrong probably... But if you had a dog this cute, you would talk about her to.

Fear of Flying

It is 7am Sunday morning, I have been up since 5 and I am already crashing, which is funny because in a little more than an hour I very well could be falling to my death and dying in a terrible plane crash.

I really hate flying. This fear is not logical; there really is no reason. This morning as our dear friend was driving us to the airport at the awful hour of 5:30 am this subject came up.
"You know more people die in car crashes then plain crashes."
I know that this is true, I took statistics and I passed. But that does not clam the screaming hysterical voice in my head that is screaming " I know that more people die in car crashes but when you get in a car crash there is a chance that you will survive, in a plain crash it is pretty cut and dry, it's burning death, and metal. And if I do survive, I'll be trapped on some creepy island with Ben, and Hurly, and Jack..."

See you can tell how rational I am. When I mentioned this fear my dear not so dear husband told me that my logic was “irrational” because we are going to Seattle, we will not be flying over the Ocean and if we crash we will land in a field with trees and maybe some Edward Cullen like Vampires will come and rescue me. But he has also just brought me some McDonalds so maybe he is dear again.

I started flying by myself when I was seven. I would fly from my home in Fresno, to where ever my Father was living, for a long time it was New Mexico. I was a mixed bag of emotions, fear at leaving my mother, excited to see my father, fear that I would die, fear of the unknown. I think that these feelings, which were totally normal for a seven year old, lie dormant and wait until it is time to fly to resurface. Why is that? I should be a pro; flying should be like walking, nothing new, and something that I don’t really think about. Yet it reduces me to a quite, quivering child.

Time to board now. I am walking to my little tiny seat, and trying to figure out how I am going to fit my 5’9 frame into those tiny bathrooms. Of course my carryon bag is to big for the left over space in the overhead compartment. We are flying stand by, so the hubsberg is sitting in front of me. And now the moment is upon me. It is time to let go, to stop thinking about all of my fears. I lean my head back in the seat as the forces of take off throws me back and slowly we defy gravity and begin to soar above the ocean. For a moment I forget about my silly fears and just breathe and enjoy the view.

P.S. We are now flying over the foothills of home and will soon be flying over Yosemite my home turf. Soon we will be passing Lake Tahoe and leaving my beautiful golden state, and heading north towards the rain, sea food and Tom Hanks’s house boat.